Nucking Futz, a/k/a "Batshit Crazy"

So good ole boy and servant of god Huckleberry Huckabee says we need to "return to god's standard" by amending the constitution to outlaw a woman's right to choose and to eradicate same-sex marriage.

Okay, I'm down with that. Just so long as Huckleberry doesn't stop there. There are a LOT more proscriptions in his "Holy Bible" than just those two.

Why stop at just the two top sins? And, for that matter, why are those sins in the "top two"?

Even a cursory examination of the so-called Old Testament (which these assholes seem to love, to the pretty much complete exclusion of the actual words of their "savior") will reveal that those assholes on the right are GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY of a veritable plethora of sins.

To illustrate this apparent oversight, let me share with you the following letter that I sent some time ago to the venerable Internets softcore porn queen "Doctor" Laura Schlessinger:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your radio show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific Bible laws and how to follow them.
(a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors complain to the zoning people. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
(b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. What do you think would be a fair price for her? She's 18 and starting college. Will the slave buyer be required to continue to pay for her education by law ?
(c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense and threaten to call Human Resources.
(d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? ....Why can't I own Canadians? Is there something wrong with them due to the weather?
(e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should this be a neighborhood improvement project ? What is a good day to start? Should we begin with small stones? Kind of lead up to it?
(f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. I mean, a shrimp just isn't the same as a you-know-what. Can you settle this?
(g) Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here? Would contact lenses fall within some exception?
(h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die? The Mafia once took out Albert Anastasia in a barbershop, but I'm not Catholic; is this ecumenical thing a sign that it's ok?
(i) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
(j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.

Winston Smith Farnsworth

[I actually stole this from somewhere, but it's been so long that I can't recall where it came from. If it's yours, please accept my thanks and apologies, if necessary... And please let me know so I can give you the proper credit.]

Needless to say, I am still awaiting a reply from Dr. Laura.

But that shouldn't dissuade us from asking Huckleberry the same questions. After all, he's a fucking minister of the gospel, for chrissake, and if anyone has the answers to these questions it ought to be him.

But I'm not holding my breath.

--Update! Here is the source of the original letter to Dr. Laura. It was written by a bible-student-cum-snarky-genius named J. Kent Ashcraft way back in 2000. Thanks, J. Kent!