The Dire Straits of Hormel

For Immediate Release

In a surprising move today, Iranians took action to tighten up the Straits of Hormel. It is a little-known fact that over 80% of the world's supply of chili comes through the straits.

If the Iranians are successful, it will have grave implications on the United States, and indeed, all of the West. For example, the long-awaited remake of Blazing Saddles will be shelved, and even Terrance and Philip, the Canadian duo will be forced to hold it in.

But it's even more serious than that. If the straits are indeed closed, President Bush, himself a fart joke connoisseur, will have to put a cork in it.

"And that is unacceptable," Bush said in his weekly radio address. "I mean, I'm not the kinda guy who'd start World War III, exactly, but this is cutting it too close."

Unless the Iranians take steps to relax the sphincter of the Straits of Hormel, Bush stated, they can expect the United States to take direct, pointed and insertive action.

"We won't turn the other cheek," the president said. "They -- and we -- need to cut it."

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