Friday, September 21, 2012

American History 101

Damn that "liberal education" that I got. I had no idea that American History actually went like this:

1500s: The American Revolutionary War begins: “The reason we fought the revolution in the sixteenth century was to get away from that kind of onerous crown.”—Rick Perry
1607: First welfare state collapses: “Jamestown colony, when it was first founded as a socialist venture, dang near failed with everybody dead and dying in the snow.”—Dick Armey
1619-1808: Africans set sail for America in search of freedom: “Other than Native Americans, who were here, all of us have the same story.”—Michele Bachmann
1775: Paul Revere “warned the British that they weren’t going to be taking away our arms, by ringing those bells and making sure as he was riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be secure and we were going to be free.”—Sarah Palin.
1775: New Hampshire starts the American Revolution: “What I love about New Hampshire… You’re the state where the shot was heard around the world.”—Michele Bachmann
1776: The Founding Synod signs the Declaration of Independence: “…those fifty-six brave people, most of whom, by the way, were clergymen.”—Mike Huckabee
1787: Slavery is banned in the Constitution: “We also know that the very founders that wrote those documents worked tirelessly until slavery was no more in the United States.”—Michele Bachmann
Read more here and let's try to cut down on all that weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth, okay? It's really bothering the 1% who are busy feasting on roast Passenger Pigeon and wiping their lily-white asses on Dodo feather toilet paper...

Fuck this. Next time I'm gonna fucking demand to be home schooled. None of those liberal "facts" for me!

After all, we all know that facts have a liberal bias.


double nickel said...

Jesus H Christ. How the fuck does Bachmann get elected? My cat is smarter than she is, and he's a moron.

Farnsworth68 said...

I have a kitten who is "retarded", and even she is smarter than Bachmann. I don't get it: The people I've known from Minnesota have all been too smart to elect someone like Bachmann.