Sunday, March 22, 2009

The Post-Rapture Emails

Ya gotta hand it to those Fundo-Xian folks. They're nothing if not thoughtful -- downright thoughty, as my old Granny used to say. They even have a website where the faithful can have a post-Rapture email sent to their friends and family who are "left behind".

Here's the URL: http://raptureletters.com/letter.html -- I didn't make it a clickable link because I don't want to drive up their Google stats. In it you will see the following:

This message has been sent to you by a friend or a relative who has recently disappeared along with millions and millions of people around the world. The reason they chose to send you this letter is because they cared about you and would like you to know the truth about where they went.
This may come as a shock to you, but the one who sent you this has been taken up to heaven.
Etc etc etc blah blah blah
They promise to send out this letter on the first Friday following the Rapture, and every Friday thereafter until...well, I guess until Hell freezes over. Or whatever. And, of course, "free will donations" to the cause are gladly accepted (checks, cash, major credit card or PayPal).

I'm pretty sure I won't be needing to add the email addresses of my friends and family to that list. I'm also pretty sure I won't be getting any post-Rapture emails myself.

But look on the bright side. The vast majority of those self-designated Rapture-ites have oodles of money that they suddenly won't be needing, some plush luxury cars they won't be driving, and some fancy cribs that they won't be living in. For those of us who are "left behind" there ought to be a huge post-Rapture dividend.

Except that the Xian Bible does say that only 144,000 souls are going to get into heaven, so maybe that dividend won't be so big after all.

BTW, the whole concept of The Rapture is a fairly recent one, as these things go, the first usage of the word having been invented for the world's enlightenment no earlier than 1738.

The word "rapture" itself occurs nowhere in the Xian Bible, in either the Old Testament or the New Testament. Not in the "regular" King James Version, and not in any of the modern translations. Nowhere. And that in itself is pretty odd, since it seems to be an English transliteration of the Latin raptus, "borne up, taken away" (hence raptor).

But I digress. It must be the former English teacher in me.

Anyway, the fact that "The Rapture" is mentioned nowhere in the Xian Bible is a handy comeback for that IBIL* of yours who tells you that the phrase "separation of church and state" occurs nowhere in the US Constitution.

Besides all this, I much prefer the Blondie version of "Rapture"...

[*IBIL = Idiot Brother-in-Law]

8 Comments:

zeppo said...

This sounds like it could be an episode of the Twilight Zone, except updated for today's technology. It isn't Billy Mumy talking to his grandma on a toy telephone.

This concept is so creepy on so many levels. Geez. I just can't imagine how smug a person has to be to just assume that they are going to be "raptured" away, and that they have the desire to rub everyone else's nose in that fact.

Ralph said...

LIBTARD,

EVERY WORD OF THE BIBLE POINTS TO THE COMING RAPTURE!!!

THE BIBLE IS THE RAPTURE BOOK!!!!!

DON'T BE LEFT BEHIND TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE...AND ALL OF ETERNITY...WITH PIAPS!!!!!

Farnsworth68 said...

Zeppo -- My personal welcome to the namesake of the least-appreciated Marx Brother (aside from Gummo, of course, whom NOBODY remembers any more), whose sense of humor was, according to all contemporary accounts, even zanier than Groucho's, but who had to toil under the burdens of bad casting and bad writing for all of his movie roles.
And Ralph the Magic Christian -- What-the-fuck-ever, dude. I think if you are an example of one of the elite who are rapture-bound, I'd rather stick around down here. In the words of Billy Joel, "the sinners have much more fun"...
I mean, "every word of the Bible"... gimme a fucking break already. Go preach to the choir 'cause you ain't gettin' no converts here.

Lizzie said...

I get terribly confused sometimes...Ralph really isn't a joker, you know, like the whole Stephen Colbert pretending to respect O'Reilly thing?? Are you really serious about the whole rapture left behind thing? And what the fuck are PIAPs? I gotta know...

Farnsworth68 said...

No, Lizzie, as much as I would like to believe that Ralphy is just poking some pointed fun at the whole thing, sadly he's not. From his website it appears that he's behind the American Jihad 100%, and as you know those people hold a special hatred for Hillary Clinton -- thus the acronym PIAPS, which stands for Pig in a Pants Suit (according to my careful research on the Internets, anyway).
It also appears that Ralphy has his own book coming out, which I hope is better written than his website and isn't in all caps like his blog post, so he's probably going around posting shit on as many blogs as he can in hopes that he can drive up his book sales.
Sad, really.
And no, I'm not really serious about the whole rapture thing myself. There's no rapture, no being left behind, no second coming, and when you're dead you're dead. That's pretty much it, and when you get that from a 64-year-old Vietnam vet melanoma survivor who's stared death in the face a few times himself, you know that I won't be changing my mind about it anytime soon.

zeppo said...

Thanks, Farnsworth, glad you liked my web alter ego. I have an affinity for Zeppo. Never got to be funny, but made a great straight man... Had a hard time coping with older brothers...

Anyway, you know, I find it SO much more convincing when people post their comments IN ALL CAPS!! My corneas started to bleed... But boy, am I convinced now!

I plan putting a link to your blog on mine, if that's O.K.

Nancy said...

Hello Farnsworth. Been reading your excellent blog for awhile. Kudos!

Ralphie is of the brainless "God said it, I believe it - end of conversation" flock who absolutely refuse to use their own grey matter for matters of any importance. How Christian of him to address you as, "Libtard." Typical.

Scott Butcher said...

Dear Farnsworth,

I saw your comment of my website. What is the Xain bible? I'm sure since you know about the word Raptos that you know it's in the book of 1 thessalonians. Anyone can know they will be raptured if they accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and savior. (answering Zeppo'scomment). And I do make money from the site. This was our best year, we recieved $76.00 which will almost pay for the $110.00 it costs to keep the site each year. I am also a Vietnam era vet but I never mention it, it was just because of the date that I went in. Cheer up, Jesus Loves you.
Scott