Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Dobson v. Obama

This would be a lot funnier, if it weren't so fucking weird.

The "Reverend" James Dobson, of Focus on the Fetus Family fame, has made some pretty inflammatory accusations against Barack Obama after Obama pointed out some oddities in the so-called "Christian Bible" and said that governing under the principles of the bible would be "impractical".

Impractical? Yeah, to say the least, since the bible, as Obama says, approves slavery and says that eating shellfish is an abomination. There's more; you can read it all for yourself in the Book of Leviticus, and then maybe you can send your own letter to Dobson, the way I sent one to "Doctor" Laura on this same topic...

I think it's abso-fucking-lutely hilarious that Dobson can say, with a straight face, without a trace of irony, "I think he's [Obama] deliberately distorting the traditional understanding of the Bible to fit his own world view, his own confused theology," Dobson said, adding that Obama is "dragging biblical understanding through the gutter..." and that Obama should not be referencing "antiquated dietary codes" and passages from the Old Testament that are "no longer relevant" to the teachings of the New Testament.

The mind reels, the brain is boggled, the...Jesus, protect me from your followers...words fail me...

This from a man who has made a fucking career of misinterpreting the Xian bible and dismissing that wussy "peace guy" Jesus as some kind of new age hippie weirdo. It's especially mind-boggling when you think that Dobson himself freely quotes from the Old Testament -- in fact the very book of Leviticus -- when he is busy condemning those "ho-mo-sessuals" who are lurking at every turn, demanding their "special" rights...

Now that I think of it, I am going to send that letter to Dobson. I just dropped by Focus's web page and they don't provide an email address (surprise surprise), but this is important enough that I think it deserves a snail-mail letter. I'm sending it off tomorrow to (according to the website):

Focus on the Family
(street address not required)
Colorado Springs, CO 80995
I guess they're pretty fucking important if the PO doesn't even require a street address, eh?

And just in case you didn't click that link, here is the actual text of the actual letter (thanks again to bible-student-cum-snarky-genius J. Kent Ashcraft) I'm going to send to Dobson tomorrow:

Dear Doctor Dobson:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your website and from your various appearances on radio and in the television media, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can.

When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific Bible laws and how to follow them:

(a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors complain to the zoning people. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

(b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. What do you think would be a fair price for her? She's 18 and starting college. Will the slave buyer be required to continue to pay for her education by law ?

(c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense and threaten to call Human Resources.

(d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? ....Why can't I own Canadians? Is there something wrong with them due to the weather?

(e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should this be a neighborhood improvement project ? What is a good day to start? Should we begin with small stones? Kind of lead up to it?

(f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. I mean, a shrimp just isn't the same as a you-know-what. Can you settle this?

(g) Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here? Would contact lenses fall within some exception?

(h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die? The Mafia once took out Albert Anastasia in a barbershop, but I'm not Catholic; is this ecumenical thing a sign that it's ok?

(i) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

(j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted disciple.

Winston Smith Farnsworth

I will let you know when -- and if -- I get a response.

1 Comment:

mrln said...

You're in rare form here, F man. Thanks, I needed a laugh today. I just paid 4.60 a gallon for gas, was told my employer (a non-profit advocacy organization) can't give cost of living raises, and that our funding sources APPRECIATE our commitment to our work!
I wonder how much Dobson makes...I'm gonna write him a letter asking him that question, and reminding him of Matthew 19:24: "it is harder for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven..."