We'll Always Have Paris

Jesus, it's a sad day when even I am held in thrall by the wacky shenanigans of America's favorite love-her-hate-her celebutante. I blame Keith Olbermann and his "Keeping Tabs" segment where even the ironic tone of Olbermann's tongue-in-cheek commentary doesn't remove the stain of having to cover Paris Hilton's latest antics.

There was a lot of confusion and uproar last week over her premature release to house-arrest by the LA County Sheriff, one Lee Baca, and the question on most lips was Why?

Ask and ye shall receive, my friends.

Money talks and Paris walks.

It turns out that Paris's billionaire grandfather, hotel king William Barron Hilton, had donated a substantial amount of campaign cash to Baca's election. Could this be payback?

And one final question: Why did I have to learn this from the foreign press? I had to go all the way to Australia to find the story?

BTW, word on the street has it that Paris is getting dehydrated because she won't eat or drink anything. Because she doesn't want to use the jail toilet. And not for the usual reasons (if you've been in jail, you'll know what I mean: Multiply the absolute worst facility you've ever seen by a factor of ten and then take away the toilet seat...).

It's because she doesn't want some county-jailer-slash-aspiring-paparazzi to snap a cell-phone-camera shot of her on the pot and put it on the Internets.

Got that? This from someone whose major claim to sexual fame was that notorious green-light blow job video from a few years back, which is still available all over the place.

Jesus, after that, what's a couple of candid shots of her squeezing one off on a jailhouse toilet?