The Rapture? Again? Yawn...

In our semi-regular segment, The Rapture Will Not Be Televised, I note that religious rapture professional Harold Camping (wrong in 1992, 1994, and last May) is once again claiming that The Rapture is gonna happen -- yeah, this time for sure, really! -- next week.

Jeez, when will this demented old geezer finally just GTFU ("give the fuck up") on this shit?

Still, though, I am willing to spend some good money on attorneys who will draw up letters of transfer for the personal and real property of those who think that they will be "translated" to that Higher Plane come next week. After all, they aren't going to need those cars, houses, clothing and personal effects after they shuffle off this mortal coil, and those of us who are Left Behind are going to need some creature comforts which will aid us in the long night ahead.

Anyone want to show some Christian charity and that spirit of sharing that Jesus (the "real" one, not the one that totes the M16 and is willing to smite mightily his enemies) preached about? Just contact me here.

I'll be waiting...

End of the World: In Case You Missed the Announcement...

...this coming Saturday it's either the End of the World or it's the Rapture^tm. Or something...

A couple of years ago I did a post on The Rapture^tm and an outfit that will send out "post-rapture" emails on your behalf. (Sidebar: It's not my fault if you didn't take advantage of that opportunity; you were warned...)

So if the world ends this Saturday, May 21, 2011, everyone who makes it off the planet can feel free to sneer at me from wherever the fuck you end up, and let the welkin ring with your derisive laughter (I'm not sure if welkins can really ring, but I digress...).

I really don't think I'll be paying much attention to the whole thing, since that's the night of my local Democratic Party's annual fundraiser dinner, and I'll be busy wearing a coat-and-tie, stuffing my face with medium-rare steak and swilling moderately-priced wine.

Besides, I'm pretty sure that you, my regular readers, will not be taken up in the initial Rapture^tm. But here's a heads-up: You've seen those bumper stickers that say "in case of rapture this car will be unmanned"? It wouldn't hurt to kind of hang out somewhere close to one of those cars. In case the owners do get ruptured raptured, if you're the first one there you can score some awesome wheels...

Don't bother thanking me -- I'm here to help.