Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Suicide: The Ultimate Selfish-Aggressive Act

Suicide is the ultimate act of selfishness. It's also an act of aggression. No, not aggression against yourself, although that is true, but it's an act of aggression against your loved ones, the ones you leave behind to wonder for the rest of their lives if there was something that they could have done.

Last night, the husband of my oldest granddaughter shot himself in the head. Admittedly, the kid had some ... issues, but it was the way he did it that was the most shocking, most disgusting act of selfish aggression that I have ever encountered.

He killed himself in the living room of their house, with my granddaughter and his oldest child, a four-year-old boy, with him. I thought that he really loved their children, and I watched him do everything he could to take care of them. But apparently I was wrong, and what he could do wasn't nearly enough.

He had been an angry depressive -- although he never abused her or the kids -- for a over a year. My granddaughter repeatedly encouraged him to seek professional help, but he refused to do it. She never suspected that it would go this far -- but families of suicides rarely see it coming, except in retrospect. Then a lot of things seem to fall into place, and so she will spend the rest of her life rerunning the last year in her mind, haunted by all of those "if only" thoughts.

But the four-year-old (who will be five in May) is the one who will be the most fucked up by this, for the rest of his life. He's already saying stuff like "My daddy didn't love me and that's why he did it"...

Sure, he's going to get grief counseling, psychiatric help, and constant reassurance from the rest of the family that it wasn't his fault, but deep down, is any of that going to really matter?

It's hard enough on someone to have a parent die when they are young. To see it happen, by the parent's own hand, is so fucking terrible that I don't have the words to describe it. It may have seemed to him to be the easy way out, but that "way out", that was so fucking easy for him, will screw up that boy of his for the rest of his life (the other child is only a year-and-a-half old, so it won't affect him the same way -- he'll just feel a profound but vague loss, wondering where his daddy is).

I'd feel bad for the father if I wasn't so goddam mad at him for doing it...

6 Comments:

Katy Anders said...

I'm sorry this happened to your family.

(I had more, but nothing else seems appropriate right now.)

One Fly said...

Sorry friend!

double nickel said...

Wow. That's cold. Condolences to you and your family.

mohave rat said...

it is indeed a tragedy that the babies had to witness it! Convincing the oldest that none of the blame is his will take some hard work and persistence . Wrongful thinking is at the root of most of humanities psychic turmoil. After all, they all walk around thinking some invisible sky daddy is watching from above and keeping score! That's enough right there to cause a level of paranoia. They are taught that they were born "flawed" and "missed the mark" and can never redeem themselves. Such conditions make having a healthy self image almost impossible. Humanity is pitiful to be sure. Can't be content with being what they are: they insist on setting impossible goals for themselves and living a delusion that is unhealthy to say the least.I am sorry for the loss your family has suffered and the pain it has caused. I am sure that someone will add insult to injury by "praying" and saying other equally annoying nonsense.

Jenny said...

Ye gods.
Yes, gird that child with as much love as you all have.

Farnsworth68 said...

Thank you, everybody. Your heartfelt condolences mean a lot to me.
Understandably, I am taking a few days off. There are literally hundreds of things that need to be taken care of, and I am the patriarch, such as it is, of the family so I have to put up a good front and be a solid rock, etc. And help my granddaughter through the maze of bureaucracy that awaits her.
See you in a few days.
--The F Man