Thursday, December 11, 2008

A Real Defense of Marriage Act

A number of years back our Congress, in its infinite wisdom, passed something called The Defense of Marriage Act. I won't bore you with the details (you can check them out for yourselves), but suffice it to say that in my humble opinion it didn't go far enough.

Periodically the Christianists -- who apparently agree with me up to a point -- trot out the latest and greatest version of a constitutional amendment to the same effect, that marriage should be based on biblical provisions, religious prescriptions and Christian Nation precepts.

I couldn't agree more. And to that end, I am indebted to John Aravosis over at AmericaBlog, who has posted a list (which he in turn got from The Daily Kos) which, if they weren't so fucking hypocritical about the whole thing, the Religious Right ought to fully embrace.

These are the bibilical requirements, it would seem from a casual reading of the Xian bible, for a "Christian Marriage" constitutional amendment:

A. Marriage in the United States shall consist of a union between one man and one or more women. (Gen 29:17-28; II Sam 3:2-5)
B. Marriage shall not impede a man's right to take concubines in addition to his wife or wives. (II Sam 5:13; I Kings 11:3; II Chron 11:21)
C. A marriage shall be considered valid only if the wife is a virgin. If the wife is not a virgin, she shall be executed. (Deut 22:13-21)
D. Marriage of a believer and a non-believer shall be forbidden. (Gen 24:3; Num 25:1-9; Ezra 9:12; Neh 10:30)
E. Since marriage is for life, neither this Constitution nor the constitution of any State, nor any state or federal law, shall be construed to permit divorce. (Deut 22:19; Mark 10:9)
F. If a married man dies without children, his brother shall marry the widow. If he refuses to marry his brother's widow or deliberately does not give her children, he shall pay a fine of one shoe and be otherwise punished in a manner to be determined by law. (Gen 38:6-10; Deut 25:5-10)
G. In lieu of marriage, if there are no acceptable men in your town, it is required that you get your dad drunk and have sex with him (even if he had previously offered you up as a sex toy to men young and old), tag-teaming with any sisters you may have. Of course, this rule applies only if you are female. (Gen 19:31-36)
Bottom line, I'm all for that good ole Defense of Marriage Amendment based on bibilical principles.

So the next time that IBIL* of yours starts spouting off again about this bullshit, all you have to do is whip out the old KJV (which you have already bookmarked with Post-Its at the appropriate pages) and show him that you, too, are in favor of traditional biblical marriage.

That ought to shut the fucker up.

[* = Idiot Brother-In-Law]


owlie said...

One of my friends has an IBIL who actually suggested two days after the death of my friend's sister that my friend marry him because of "F". Needless to say, she said "No".

Farnsworth68 said...

Thanks, owlie.
Like I always say, you can't make this shit up.