Basic Language Skills for International Travelers

I am an international traveler. I have visited some 22 different countries, and I can verify that there are just three phrases that the average person will need to get by in a foreign environment. The rest of your communication can be achieved by the "charades" method, or by the simple point-and-nod method.

These are the essential phrases that you need to know when you go to: 

• Germany: Ein bier bitte. Danke. Wo ist die Toilette?
• Italy: Una birra, per favore. Grazie. Dov'è il bagno?
• France: Une bière se il vous plaît. Merci. Où sont les toilettes?
• Spain & Latin America: Una cerveza por favor. Gracias. ¿Dónde está el baño?
• Kenya: Bia moja tafadhali. Asante. Ambapo ni choo?
• Vietnam: Xin cho một ly bia. Cảm ơn bạn. Nơi là nhà vệ sinh?
• Czech Republic: Jedno pivo, prosím. Děkuji. Kde jezáchod?
• Union of South Africa: 'N bier asseblief. Baie dankie. Waar is die toilet?
• Hungary: Egy sört kérek. Köszönöm. Hol van a WC?
• Amsterdam: Een biertje neem. Dankjewel. Waar is het toilet?
• Turkey: Bir bira lütfen. Teşekkür ederim. Tuvalet nerede?
• Poland: Jedno piwo proszę. Dziękuję. Gdzie jest toaleta ?
• United States, Britain, Australia, etc: One beer please. Thank you. Where is the toilet? 

This is the Rosetta Stone of Beer. As I say, this is all that is required if you need to get that beer, drink it down, and then piss it out in the bathroom. And you will. Travel is tiring, it is draining and it makes you super thirsty. Make sure you get the local beer. Chances are it will be far superior to your American favorite and it won't make you look like a Beer Imperialist demanding Budweiser.

Once you interact with the locals in their own language, you create an aura of good will surrounding you, and then you'll be able to request anything else you want just by pointing at it on the menu. You will find that most all of the native speakers do pretty much all speak a variety of English, and they will be glad to help you. Once you have shown them that modicum of respect by at least trying to speak their language.

Naturally it's a good idea to arm yourself with a Berlitz Phrasebook of the country you are going to, and then you will have very little difficulty at all.

If everyone did this, traveling abroad as an American would be a great pleasure. What are you waiting for? Grab that passport and take off! Make your getaway!

Spam: Corpse in a Can?

Right up front, I have to admit it: I LOVE Spam (the real Spam, not the email spam, so don't get any ideas about selling me out to the marketeers). I was raised on Spam. I love it, every way you can fix it, from fried Spam-n-eggs to "raw" eaten right out of the can with a fork. I've even created some of my own recipes using Spam.

I am not alone in this -- there are millions of others who eat Spam regularly, even those who claim that they hate it. If everyone hates it so much, then who is buying all that Spam that keeps Hormel Meats and Austin MN flush with cash? It's not just Hawaii.

Everyone knows that Hawaii leads the nation in per-capita consumption of Spam. Anyone who has been there will remember the ready-to-eat Spam sushi for sale in every 7-11-type convenience store. There are millions of web-pages explaining why Hawaiians love Spam. Not surprisingly, there's even an official "Spam Hawaii" website (from Hormel, of course).

But what most people don't know is that Spam is extremely popular throughout the South Pacific. From New Guinea to Melanesia, from Micronesia to Polynesia, the indigenous people (aka "the natives") just can't get enough of it. Why is that?

Well, you can take the usual and customary explanation and believe that Spam came right along with the Americans in WWII, and wherever we went we left behind a legacy of canned luncheon meat that didn't need refrigeration. Even the Cargo Cultists waiting for the return of John Frum likely expect him to bring Spam with him when He returns.

But there is an alternate theory. One of my very favorite writers, Paul Theroux, wrote about Spam in one of his travel books, 1992's The Happy Isles of Oceania. It seemed that everywhere Theroux paddled his kayak amongst the native people of the islands of Oceania, he found that they LOVED Spam.

That was not just a coincidence, it seemed to Theroux. These same natives were, at most, just a couple or three generations removed from cannibalism. In short, the canned meat product we know as Spam was the closest taste they could find to ... human flesh. Canned corpse meat.

Well... Gross.

But actually, that's not going to stop me from eating it, any more than the knowledge that pickled pig's feet are, in fact, actual PIG'S FEET! But I think that now, every time I bite into a delicious chunk of Spam, I'll remember that I am eating the next-best-thing to the Long Pig.